This Is Goodbye
by Owlkin
Summary: Karigan's letter is delivered to Zachary. *Taken down for editing and re-posted. Originally posted 9-13-13*


Requested after writing the one shot _What He Must Do_. This does not necessarily follow the same storyline. I had Fastion give him the letter and have some words with him, then leave him to read the letter.

I do not own nor make a profit from utilizing the world of GR. All characters and plots belong to Kristen Britain. This was beta'd and edited with the help of Aereal and Britt32. Some phrases and choice of words belong to them, as this is a delicate scene, it required the input of several minds to create a finished product.

**A/N 9/13/2013: Edited and re-posted. Not much has changed. If you do not like KZ+K, please do not PM me with your personal opinions on the matter as others have done. FF is a collective of different minds and ideas on the same story, lol just let it be or go write a story to your liking. **

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A knock sounded in Zachary's study, prompting him to raise his eyes from the charts he had before him and call out, 'Enter!'

Fastion slipped through the door and bowed slightly at the waist, approaching the desk at Zachary's nod of acknowledgement. Reaching into his doublet, he pulled out a small cream colored envelope, rather non-descript that displayed no markings save that of Zachary's name, written simply and without ceremony.

Zachary stared at the letter for a moment before looking up at Fastion, 'Shouldn't the Riders be delivering my correspondence?'

Fastion pursed his lips and said nothing, his eyes narrowing at the mention of the Green Riders. Instead, he paused, carefully choosing his words before responding, 'I felt that it would be best if this got to you quickly, and as many of your messengers are otherwise engaged . . .'

Zachary began to clear his desk away, carefully rolling up the ancient charts and stacking several tomes to the side. 'Do you know who it is from?'

Fastion paused yet again, 'I took the liberty of removing it from its hiding place, sire, so yes I am aware of whom the sender was.'

Zachary stopped what he was doing and looked at his Weapon with confusion, 'Why exactly did you retrieve a secret letter?'

'This was only meant to be sent should the sender not return, but I felt the contents needed to be read sooner than intended,' Fastion said simply.

Zachary chuckled, 'Is it that important?'

'It's from her, sire,' Fastion said softly, his gaze meeting the king's across the expanse of mahagony desk.

Zachary's face showed a myriad of expressions, ranging from curiosity, comprehension, horror, and finally stubbornness. He snatched the offending piece of paper off his desk and thrust it back at Fastion, 'Put it back in its proper place,' he said coldly.

'I can't, the Riders would know I had been poking about the barracks,' Fastion apologized.

The king's eyes flashed dangerously, 'This should not have left her room!'

The Weapon crossed his arms over his chest and looked his liege in the eye as he spoke his next words. 'If you were too blind to see what the rest of us could, then that is on you. Do you not find it strange, that you never received a reply from your letters,' Fastion challenged, 'That you were never given any indication she had read them? This is Karigan, she would not have just ignored you if you had written her!'

'Perhaps she never shared my affections,' the king replied sullenly.

'Yet, again, blind,' Fastion snapped impatiently. Zachary's head snapped to Fastion's irritable expression and scowled expressively.

'I _know_ my little sister. And I _knew _she would not leave without making sure she had made herself known. I could not say what happened to your letters, they were not among her possessions.'

'She could have brought them with her,' Zachary countered.

Fastion shook his head, 'No. I think it more likely they were never received. I had my suspicions but I searched her room to see if I could find anything to the contrary. It was in her nightstand that I found the letter addressed to you. I thought it best that I took it before someone else did, it would be hard to explain why a mere Rider wished to send an informal letter to her king.'

Zachary raised his brows, his anger still evident, 'You took it upon yourself to search her room?'

'I do not think she would have minded that it was me, given the present circumstances,' Fastion replied sincerely.

Zachary snarled as he threw the letter to the ground, 'She is _not_ dead!'

Fastion watched as his liege paced the length of the room, muttering to himself as he shot dark looks in Fastion's direction. The Weapon did not flinch under the angry gaze but picked up the letter carefully and placed it on a table next to the king's favorite armchair.

Now speaking gently, Fastion sought to soothe Zachary's emotions, 'No one said she was-'

'The entire council believes the expedition to be lost,' Zachary responded curtly, 'No doubt wishes them to be wiped off the map and forgotten, so they need not become involved in the threat from Blackveil.'

'That council is now full of newly appointed advisors, many of whom are not acquainted with Karigan and what she has accomplished. They are distrustful of the rapport she has with the Eletians,' Fastion reminded him.

'She has ventured into a place that's notorious for its dangers and she obviously went in with the mindset that she wouldn't return!'

With an exasperated sigh, Fastion held his hands out beseechingly, 'Listen to me, sire. Karigan has been through dire situations before, she will survive this. You must have faith in her and the company she keeps. I don't believe she is dead, but I _do_ believe that you need to read the contents of that letter, for I have stood by too long watching the two of you suffer. And to what end? Will the sacrifices you both have made, make a difference when this all comes to a close? '

'You seem rather sure of her feelings,' the king responded bitterly.

Fastion rolled his eyes, 'Of course I am. Have I not had my eyes on you these past few years?'

His king said nothing but turned to face the wall, his back tense as he was left to his own dark musings. The Weapon waited patiently for a response but none was forthcoming, as the man's shoulders seemed to sag with the weight of all the troubles in his kingdom, and that of his own aching heart.

Reluctantly, Zachary walked over and sat down heavily in the chair to put his face in his hands, rubbing his skin briskly as if to quell the anxiety that arose within him. Pouring a glass of brandy from the sideboard, Fastion sat the glass on the table by the letter, and before exiting the room, sympathetically looked at his liege. 'It was intended for you, sire, she wanted it to be put in your hands. Do her the honor of reading it.'

Zachary watched his Weapon go but still eyed the letter warily. He picked it up hesitantly ran his fingers over the edges as he stared at the tidy, slightly feminine handwriting, breathing slowly as he turned the envelope over. With a growl he tossed it back on the table, sinking back into the chair with a huff, almost livid that she would think to believe a letter would be a suitable goodbye. But still, despite the growing dread that accumulated in the pit of his stomach, he could not leave her last words to him unread.

It was with great trepidation that he reached for his silver letter opener on his desk and returned to his chair, carefully slitting open the parchment, and drawing out the folded sheets within. As his eyes skimmed the first lines, the blood began to slowly drain from his face, and his breathing slowed as he held back his disbelief that was tinged with absolute grief.

_Zachary,_

_If you are reading this letter, then it stands to reason that I was not able to destroy it upon my return, and that I was unable to keep my promise to you, and for that I am sorry. _

_It is now, that I wish to make known what I have always been unable to say up to now. That my heart has been yours, far longer than I have ever admitted to anyone, or even myself. From the moment we met, you set my soul on fire. At that time I could only wonder at the strong emotions that you brought forth in me. Too many times, I thought how I felt my admiration would be so obvious to the others around us. The small smiles shared, the intensity in your eyes when you looked at me, and the brief moments of companionship we shared, are all memories I hold dear to my heart. I've resisted these feelings, and to no avail, for my love has entrenched itself deeper, even as I have watched you become the betrothed of another._

Tears, uncontrolled, streamed down his face, blurring the writing as he struggled to breathe. Gasping, he leaned forward, letter still clutched in his hand, as his shoulders heaved. After a few minutes, he straightened, still silently weeping as he shakily held up the letter again.

_For so long, I have stuck to my sense of duty and position, accepting the fact that I would yearn for a man whom I could never call my own. If we had not been born to the lives we held now, then maybe we could have found a measure of happiness. But, in truth, I do not regret my call to the Green Riders, for it is what brought me to you and I could not love you so if you were less than the man you are now. I love both the king and the man, for they are inseparable and have enhanced the other._

Another choked sob escaped him but he continued to read, his eyes hungry to devour what should have been stated between them years ago, if he had not been such a coward and idly allowed himself to be put in his current position.

_It is all I can do, each day as I wake, to keep from imagining you beside me as the morning comes. To share in your happiness and sorrow, to be the one woman that you hold in your heart as we grow old. I had never imagined, before coming to Sacor City, before even leaving Corsca, of meeting the one whom I could envision sharing a life with. I had believed the love that my parents had shared was a rare and beautiful thing, not meant for someone like me. The idea, however make-believe, of becoming your partner in life and of being able to bear your children, has long haunted my dreams and musings._

His already wounded heart shattered into pieces as he whispered tearfully, 'Oh Kari . . .'

_Although my mind has always fought with my heart, I was and still am constantly drawn to your kindness, your strength of character, and your steadfast devotion to your country. To this I reasoned, I could be with you another way as I would swear to serve Sacoridia, keeping the warmth of the love you shared with me to sustain me even on my loneliest of nights._

_I understand, only too well, the demands that society places on our social classes, and that the motivation behind your offer that night on the castle roof was prompted by feelings of love. I could not respect myself as your mistress, while keeping my love and respect for you, so I fled from you that night. As I have always done, to my bitter shame, and it is one of the true regrets I take with me._

_I missed my one last chance to speak with you alone at the masquerade ball and it pains me even now, that I couldn't say what I wished in that moment. You see, I was there with you on the balcony, trying to escape the crowded dance floor when you had stepped out for air. I admit the costume had not been my idea as I had let my friends choose, for the idea of being practically anonymous appealed to me. If I had known that the silly costume's mask would tangle in that stupid wig . . ._

Zachary closed his eyes in pain as he remembered Queen Oddacious and her averted gaze as she had curtsied awkwardly in the cumbersome skirts. She had watched him dance with Estora, had watched him smile and laugh with another woman as she navigated an unfamiliar environment by herself. Kari must have struggled with herself that night, torn between her duty and her heart as she let the opportunity slip through her fingers.

Biting his lip hard enough to draw blood, he shook his head brusquely and returned to the letter's contents.

_All that I am and all that I ever was is because of you. Please know that I take with me the memory of your love, as I know that such feelings likely do not exist now. I feel blessed that I was able to hold your affections for a brief time._

He hastily rubbed his sleeve across his eyes, considering what Karigan's words inferred, for what he had written down on paper could not be easily dismissed as trivial or fleeting. Gods, he _was_ a blind fool. Why, why had he not done _something_ when he had received no reply to his missives? Was it truly possible that she had never received his letters?

It was inconceivable.

He trusted Laren beyond measure, for she would never have gone against his orders or that of her office to waylay his own personal correspondence. But the letter he held in his hand suggested otherwise. Drawing a breath to steady himself, he continued to read the last paragraphs of his beloved's attempt to bid him farewell.

_Please, do not blame yourself for the outcome of the expedition, for we both know that it was unlikely that it would have succeeded. I am happy to do this for my country, and for you, so if I indeed have met my end, it was with a happy heart knowing that I had finally declared myself to you. Be happy with Estora, and treat her well? I know, without a doubt, you shall find much happiness with her, if only you would allow yourself that. You are deserving of so much more, and I regret I was not able to tell you so in my own words. _

_I pray to the gods that when I leave, it will not be the last time I look upon you and that I will meet you in the heavens. _

_Be well, my love._

_Yours,_

_Karigan_

* * *

He sat completely still, gazing into the dying fire as the room turned cold. He did not acknowledge his discomfort, nor did he partake of the spirits placed next to him. For the next few hours, he sat rigidly in his chair, with the letter crumpled in his fist as silent tears continued to work their way down his cheeks in rivulets.

Gradually, as the dawn approached, so did a new understanding of himself as a deep burning anger replaced the anguish and sorrow that her letter had brought forth. His rage grew in intensity as he hastily smoothed out the sheets, quickly examining the lines again, and coming to a decision. Standing up quickly and ignoring his protesting muscles, he strode to the door and swung it open, knowing that Fastion had not ventured far. He moved back to his desk chair and tucked the letter into his coat next to his heart, after brushing his lips across her signature briefly.

Fastion gingerly entered the room, his eyes scanning the contents for signs of destruction, but all was as it had been when he had left. The brandy was untouched and the decanter remained full on the sideboard. Coming before his king, he bowed and waited for his liege to speak. After several moments of anticipation, he instead listened to the scratching of a quill as Zachary wrote a missive out quickly, sprinkling sand across the drying ink, and folding the parchment into a neat square to be sealed.

Without looking up, he spoke with careful deliberation, 'Please insure that Captain Mapstone finds her way to my study immediately.'

Fastion nodded obediently and moved to leave, assuming he had been dismissed, but Zachary stood and caught his arm in an ironclad grip, and silently handed him the letter.

Zachary's intense gaze did not leave Fastion's as he issued his next instructions. 'You are to follow the orders I have given you in that dispatch, and you are not to return until you come back with her alive or with viable proof of her death. Do you understand?'

Fastion had a rare moment in his life, where he found himself to be the recipient of a glare that succeeded in frightening him. Subtly gulping, he nodded curtly again, and took the dispatch, tucking it into his doublet. Zachary returned to his armchair, his face a cold mask as he stared out into dead space, his posture tightly coiled as if holding back his ire.

Something in his countenance had changed irrevocably, for while his eyes held a glimmer of light that had not previously been there, the lines of his face had hardened noticeably, giving his visage an austere and almost deadly look.

Taking his leave of the king, he silently slipped out the door and sent a Green Foot with the summons for Captain Mapstone while he returned to his quarters, his mind racing with the implications of his mission. He knew he must find his little sister, for all their sakes, and he must find her soon.

Zachary did not acknowledge Fastion's departure as he idly tapped his fingers against the worn leather of the chair arm. His course set, he knew that he would never be able to rest until she was brought home. To him. His heart whispered ever so softly reminding him that he would _know_ if his beloved had perished. It was with this faint tendril of hope that he would proceed, but the anguish he felt, now, after knowing the time they had both wasted, weighed heavily in his mind as eyes closed and his head tilted back against the upholstery.

Breathing deeply and opening his eyes, he gazed at the early rays of the breaking dawn that filtered through the windows. With a half choked sob, he whispered, 'Where are you, Kari?'

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**This is only a one-shot. Your imagination can take you where it will until May of 2014. He might never see that letter.**


End file.
